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This is the guide to losing weight that people need to hear. It’s the guide to losing weight that many people don’t want me to tell you. But it has nothing to do with ‘this one weird trick’.

You often hear about our epidemic of obesity, as if obesity is some kind of infectious disease (it’s really not). But, if we pretend being fat is like having an infectious disease, what is the infection? What is the underlying cause of the condition ‘being fat’?

I won’t keep you in suspense. It’s capitalism. Ok, so admittedly that sounds a bit ridiculous, and like the ‘loony-left’ have escaped the mental asylum. But before you judge, I’ll go through my top tips on losing weight and let you decide what’s actually causing obesity.

LEON’S slightly sweary GUIDE TO LOSING WEIGHT

  • Stop fucking eating so much
  • In fact stop buying so much damn food
  • …that includes chocolate.
  • …booze too I’m afraid
  • Stop burning so much fuel in your car
  • You know those two dumpy things below your crotch? They’re called legs, get off your arse and use them
  • Stop using so much electricity in your home. Switch off your television/computer/phone/console from time to time, nature is free.
  • Stop using so much gas in your home. The two best ways to burn calories are: 1) exercising and 2) trying to keep warm. Turn down your central heating.
  • Stop buying weight loss products. Eating snack bars or health shakes isn’t going to help you lose weight. It’s simple, the less you put in your mouth, the more weight you will lose.
  • For the love of God, stop eating or drinking aloe vera. The reason it causes temporary weight loss is that it’s an irritant, you know, like bleach. You’re literally burning your insides and shitting out the results. In fact, unless you have a genuine medical reason to, don’t use laxatives at all, what’s wrong with you?
  • Stop spending money on fancy gymnasiums. It’s another burden and reason to feel guilty, and it’s an excuse to not exercise. Just go outside and start moving about. It’s free.
  • Stop buying fitness DVDs as well. Go outside. Running about in the cold is a lot more effective than bobbing about in the warmth of your living room.
  • In short. Stop spending so much of your god damn money.

Can you guess why you don’t hear this advice too often? It’s because people want to profit out of your fatness. They want you to spend more money to help dig yourself out of the hole you’ve dug for yourself. Guess what though, you can’t dig yourself out of your hole. Guess what else? They don’t even want you to lose weight. They want you to be fat forever, because then they can continue creaming a profit from your misfortune. Unless you’re rich enough to have your own 24/7 personal trainer and organic chef, buying more shit isn’t going to help.

So here’s my simple rule of thumb:
The less money you spend on food, petrol, drugs, electricity, gas, consumer electronics, powders, shakes and mother fucking aloe vera, the less fat you’ll be.

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